This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
