Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
