I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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