i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
