I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
