My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
