I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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