i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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