My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
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