So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
