Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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