That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
