Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
