Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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