who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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