Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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