i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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