I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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