Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
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