I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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