Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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