this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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