she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize