my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
