its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
