I cockslap morals
I just cut my nipple shaving
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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