ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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