What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
