I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
