the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
then he tried to convert me to islam
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
