Dude my mom stole all your condoms
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
