he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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