sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
