did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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