i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
