i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
