I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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