I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
You may now shotgun with the bride
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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