I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
