Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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