No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize