Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize