how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
