A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
We smell like vodka and hangover
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