i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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