So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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