Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
