I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
