Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize