don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
