The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
