Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
