Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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