So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
