Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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