After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
