Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Randomize
