i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Randomize
