i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize