Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
