You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
