The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
